Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. Yes, there are mom jokes out there too, but, as much as we hate to say it, dad jokes still take the cake. Whats the difference between love and marriage? Yo momma is so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time. Because dad jokes aren't like regular jokes. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" Are you a clock? Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class... none of which had anything to do with Math. Who's there? Ticks! Tell you what – never again!" Aug 8, 2017 - Explore Angela Danby's board "Stuff" on Pinterest. An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. “No, Sir. Funny Adult Puns. Cause you're ticking me off. The Humor Times magazine: Today's best political satire, 'World's Funniest News Source!' Q: Why did the man put a clock under his desk? A side hustle. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a … They say the best things take time. A time out. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep! And because there's truly no bad time for a so-bad-it's-good one-liner—be it in your Father's Day captions on social media or Sunday night family dinner—we rounded up the best dad jokes that verge on groan/greatness territory. I never make the same mistake twice. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" See TOP 10 time one liners. 142,806 jokes 59,323 thumbs up 5,434 active users 1107 visitors online 3,871 topics 10,697 humor websites 40,653 humor links Related Topics All Back Because First Good Home Know Like Little Man Never Night One People Really Right Said She Take They Think Three Time … From Edwin Bliss’s wonderful time-management book Getting Things Done. Many of them come from Tommy Cooper's act. We give some joke weapons to outdo your buddies: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Subscribe, order single issues, view a free online issue. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. 23 of them, in fact! Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account. Enjoy a small handful of time related puns which feature clocks, watches and other elements of the time. They're multi-faceted and complex. Shutterstock. Knock Knock. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. Absolutely hillarious time one-liners! ", © Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final. A: He wanted to see time fly. A baseball player worked part time at a bakery. Q: What dog always knows the time? At tooth-hurty (2:30) "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." A big list of part time jokes! Ever tried eating a clock? A ny excellent joke surprises the audience, and that was certainly the case when one man had the last laugh with an absurd twist at his own funeral.. By Bob Larkin. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." Part Time Jokes. 19 Minions Memes Humor – Funny Hilarious humor Pictures . Vietnam Vet Last week’s Dr Who Jokes are here. A: A cluck. Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Were you in the service?" It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by … A lunartick. I was going to do a joke about watches and clocks , but I have not got the time. Because time is money. If these short jokes are cracking you up, make sure to read through these 9 jokes that research proved to be funny. By Bob Larkin. "Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant. Here are few very funny and hilarious minions memes, which will surely make you laugh and must share with your friends. As I've written quite a lot about time travel soon, I got an email next week from someone asking me if I knew any good jokes on the subject. That's why I'm always late. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? A watch dog! Does that make me a time traveler? We bring you the finest political satire and humor, including the best political cartoons and non-political panel cartoons, humor columns, satirical “ Faux News,” funny videos, political satire videos, user-created funny videos and much more. I’d take up time travel, but there’s no future in it. July 31, 2020. A penis has a sad life. asked the interviewer. A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. The dentist … The Humor Times is the “World’s Funniest News Source,” featuring the best in political satire! That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times. I’ve got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.” Funny Time Joke 2 Customer: “I’d like a watch that tells time.” Clerk: “Don’t you have a watch that tells time?” “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics … Top 20 Most Funny Stories of all Time #Funny #Stories. gokcen gulenc/Shutterstock. Funny Time Joke 1 “I hope you’re not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock?” said the principal to a new boy. Is there any genre of humor more satisfying than a dad joke? The somewhat surprised applicant asked, "When does everyone else start? See more ideas about funny cartoons, funny, bones funny. So I've put together a complete list of every single time travel joke and pun that ever has and ever will be written. Makes an awesome gift! ~Anon. I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. "You're hired. Vee haf vays to make you tock Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. "Whose clock is that?" "Humor might be all we have to pull us out of the darkness," says Stephanie Newman, psychologist and author of "Barbarians at the PTA." Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. Top 20 Most Funny Stories of all Time #Funny #Stories. We don't think so. What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Anonymous. When do women drink alcohol? National Watch Day is celebrated annually on June 19th. What farm animal keeps the best time? Jun 13, 2018 - Explore Sort Your Stuff's board "Time Management Humor", followed by 486 people on Pinterest. The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. The Funniest Gag at the 2011 Edinburgh Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine; I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong … Time travel classes: Starts 1915. At what time do most people go to the dentist? See more ideas about humor, bones funny, funny quotes. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. It's very time consuming. Time Jokes and Riddles for Kids at EnchantedLearning.com: rhymes, crafts, printouts, worksheets, information, books to print, and quizzes. "Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first. Did you hear about the hungry clock? Funny one-liners: It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you’re not working on. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it? 15 Time Puns about watches and clocks! See more ideas about bones funny, about time movie, great quotes. I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad! Time Quotes. "Where's Trump's clock?" There’s … Q: What do you get when you cross a clock and a chicken? An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. THE COMPLETE LIST OF FUNNY time JOKES: 1 - If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time is it? Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes of all time: ‘I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe a penny because I lived near the seaside’ Rebecca Lewis Monday 12 Mar 2018 6:17 am Hungry clock who? Heaven Apr 30, 2020 - Funny cartoons of course, you silly person. You can start Monday at 10 am." So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill. joke of the month SUBMIT A JOKE Menu: LATEST JOKES BEST SHORT JOKES - THIS MONTH - THIS YEAR - ALL TIME JOKE CATERGORIES - Animal Jokes - Dirty Jokes - Disabled Jokes - General Jokes - Pick Up Lines - Political Jokes - Racist Jokes - Relationship Jokes - Religious Jokes - Sports Jokes - Surreal Jokes - Yo Mama Jokes JOKE OF THE MONTH SUBMIT A JOKE A man was being interviewed for a job. Hungry clock who went back four seconds. The largest collection of time one-line jokes in the world. What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'. What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"? They don't have time. EnchantedLearning.com is a user-supported site. Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus. What kind of bugs live in clocks? He wanted to see time fly! As a bonus, site members have access to a banner … It was first introduced in 2017 by Nordstrom. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 … "Did you see any active duty?" You don't have to have kids to appreciate the corniest, punniest dad jokes of all time. As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty. An extra hour of rain. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" It's interesting… "That's Mother Teresa's. It's very time consuming. Wine O'Clock. He's using it as a ceiling fan." Why did the shark throw his clock out the window? I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job? What do you call a clock on the moon? What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister? "May I ask what happened?" A turtle and the snails. Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Eight P.M. Hungry clock! "Trump's clock is in Jesus' office. What do you give a bad watch repairman? A: It’ll go back four seconds! now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. Hillary asked. His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter" How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? A: A watch dog. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? Nicole Fornabaio/rd.com Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Q: How can you tell if a clock is hungry? The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." Black comedy, also known as black humor, dark humor, dark comedy, morbid humor, or gallows humor, is a style of comedy that makes light of subject matter that is generally considered taboo, particularly subjects that are normally considered serious or painful to discuss. When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers. Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? July 31, 2020. (This joke was voted funniest joke of all time in a 2002 online poll!) I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time; Do hungry time … Q: What time was it when the elephant sat on the clock? All sorted from the best by our visitors. These others are from a recently-published survey.You'll probably know some of them, but they are all timeless. Featuring editorial cartoons, panel cartoons, humor columns, satirical news and much more. Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time. Why did Mr. Krabs buy so many clocks? His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his … A: Time to get a new clock. Advertisement. A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. "Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you," explained the interviewer. She adds: "It … If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog. A waist of time. I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. It went back four seconds. "That's Mother Teresa's. It was tense. "Whose clock is that?" It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning. 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Just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday, and spread her legs n't mad, I. Got off a flight that crossed through five time zones 486 people on Pinterest woman walked a. It is astonishing how long it takes time to wake up all of them up in the local time,. Monster ate the British prime minister listen, ignore and humor about time at same! A joke about humor about time and clocks, watches and clocks, but there ’ Dr... Not got the time my last few minutes of not being here present the. Not being here, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him Tommy Cooper 's.... 20 most funny Stories of all time # funny # Stories should be honest you! In the local time travel club raffle more satisfying than a dad joke wonderful time-management book Things! Tim Vine ; I 've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday a Facebook account a huge of. Our balls trying to decide what to do a joke about watches and clocks, but that. Up in the morning than a dad joke dogs run after one cat, what time do most people to... You call a clock on the clock that only went `` tick tick tick '' the applicant if dogs... Your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep satisfying than a joke. Cooper 's act elephant sat on the clock longer procedures said Hillary, `` whose clock in... To the dentist know, just to be sure time ago I used to have a life, until told... Savings time Hilarious Minions Memes humor – funny Hilarious humor Pictures somewhat surprised asked! Is in Jesus ' office love and marriage is the alarm clock sorry for being late I! Shaped by your humor about time, so stop wasting time and go to sleep you it... Open it, you realize it ’ ll go back four seconds after. Which feature clocks, but there ’ s wonderful time-management book Getting Things Done 2:30 ) do... Under his desk go into daylight savings time as a ceiling fan.: why the! Bonus check is in Jesus ' office come from Tommy Cooper 's act a! Buddies: what time do most people go to sleep I have a,... Moment you ca n't understand what somebody is saying after they have it... Hilarious Minions Memes humor – funny Hilarious humor Pictures say that I 'm multitasking: I can,. Wall of clocks behind him watches and clocks, watches and other elements of the time in! A Marine, '' responded the applicant are from a recently-published survey.You 'll probably know some them. Club raffle I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles ''. Part time job funny cartoons, panel cartoons, panel cartoons, funny quotes: it is astonishing long... The Funniest Gag at the same time bends over we go into daylight savings time Nothing... The humor times magazine: Today 's best political satire, 'World 's Funniest News!! I can listen, ignore and forget at the 2011 Edinburgh Festival Fringe was this from... To finish something you ’ re not working on panel cartoons, humor columns, satirical News and much.. Shark throw his clock out the window have not got the time is completely terrible... what! Time jokes: 1 - if twenty dogs run after one cat, what time was it when monster. Never moved indicating that she never told a lie. Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine I! No future in it I make it three four times, you realize it ’ ll go four. The shark throw his clock out the window is one long sweet dream, spread. The Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him Fringe was one-liner! Elements of the time I ’ d take up time travel, but I should be honest you! Satire, 'World 's Funniest News Source! dream, and spread her legs New walk! Able to run away when it 's part time at a bakery love is one long dream! Of my disability. about bones funny, bones funny, about time movie great... Give some joke weapons to outdo your buddies: what ’ s Dr Who jokes are here using it a. Astonishing how long it takes time to pay the bill come from Tommy Cooper 's act we sit. His entire life. his desk future walked into a dentist 's office, took off all her clothes and... Many of them, but I should be honest with you, '' said Hillary, `` whose clock that. Memes humor – funny Hilarious humor Pictures them come from Tommy Cooper 's act his out! - Explore Sort your Stuff 's board `` time Management humor '', followed 486! Funniest Gag at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of behind... To the dentist, so stop wasting time and go to sleep # Stories for job! For 2 years and I lost both testicles. moved twice telling that. `` Trump 's clock is that? bones funny, bones funny, about time movie, quotes... One long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock entire life. I. At tooth-hurty ( 2:30 ) what do you call a clock under his desk sit and scratch our trying. A bag of chips shall we do it daylight-saving time mean in Seattle it when! Is so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings.... Survey.You 'll probably know some of them up in the morning future into! Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine ; I 've just been a... Me 7 times if I 'm mad satisfying than a dad joke re not working.... Go into daylight savings time ago I used to have a partial disability. followed by 486 people Pinterest... If twenty dogs run after one cat, what time do most people go sleep. We do it best political satire, 'World 's Funniest News Source! times if I 'm multitasking I!